I would like to begin with a life experience that I hold dear to my heart.
My husband and I tried for a couple of years to have a baby. We weren’t sure if we would ever have one. I had medical issues that made getting pregnant somewhat of a challenge for us. We underwent fertility procedures twice. Our first attempt was not successful. Our second attempt did end up in a pregnancy.
I was so excited…..feeling on top of the world. I immediately began to bond with this tiny creation developing inside my own body. Never mind that I was struggling with an increased sense of smell, vomiting, and complete lack of energy. I didn’t mind all that. I just wanted to focus on the fact that God had given me this miracle. I was determined to do everything in my power to keep this baby safe and developing without complications.
I told my friends and family almost immediately about our good fortune. My parents nicknamed the baby Honey Bear. I was Momma Bear, and Hubby was Papa Bear. It was a sweet idea started by my mother. Things were going along pretty well, and I was in very good spirits. It was amazing to see the early ultrasound pictures and hear the baby’s heartbeat. This made it even more real to me.
Early in the first trimester, my dream came to an end when I began experiencing severe cramping and bleeding. I knew what was happening, but I was in denial. I rushed to my fertility doctor, hoping desperately that this was not the end of my baby’s life so soon. On the ultrasound, we could still see little Honey Bear and the beating of a very tiny heart. There was a glimpse of hope, but the feeling of doubt was stronger. I had to have shots for the next week to see if we could avoid a miscarriage, but ultimately, it was too late. I lost the baby.
I thought this was the hardest thing I had ever been through. I wasn’t sure how I was going to move past the sadness I was feeling. I cried more tears than I ever thought I had the ability to produce. Each time I had to explain what happened to other people, it just made the hurt become deeper. My friends and family offered me all the support they possibly could. I was lucky to have them. They are probably the only thing that kept me going.
I began to blame God. I was angry that He would not give this blessing to me. I thought maybe I had done enough bad things in my life that this was punishment. I also felt that maybe I just wasn’t good enough to be a mother, that somehow it wasn’t meant for my life. How could my God do this? Wasn’t He the one who is supposed to be so loving and wants the best for his children? Wasn’t this the God who could do miracles? There is a Bible verse that I have always kept close to my heart. Matthew 7:7-8 says, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.” It is easy to think that God will always answer our prayers the way we see fit. But it is also easy to forget that sometimes God’s answer is no. I was sure that this was God’s answer.
My miscarriage occurred in June. On the fourth of July that same summer, my dog died, too. She had been a special part of my life for over 7 years. She had been my loyal companion through some pretty tough times. My heart was breaking. How could this be God’s timing? How was this in His plan? I was becoming very distant from God. I stopped going to church.
After a few weeks, I began feeling like there was something missing in my life. I knew I would have to get passed this anger with God. If anyone knows suffering and loss, it’s God. I remembered how He gave his son to us because he loves us. Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” God sent His son to us, allowing him to be a part of a greater plan that lead to his crucifixion. Jesus died for us, but God lost a son.
I began to renew my relationship with God. I started going back to church again. Then God gave me a miracle. In August, a little more than two months after the miscarriage, I began noticing some changes. I was experiencing a heightened sense of smell, nausea and loss of appetite, and extreme tiredness. It couldn’t be! I took a pregnancy test and discovered I was pregnant.
I couldn’t believe it at first. I had not been through another round of fertility procedures yet because the doctor said my body needed time to heal. I had to wait for two menstrual cycles to occur before I could begin shots again. It really was a miracle! God does answer prayers. He does have a plan for each of our lives. Many times we don’t understand what that plan is, or sometimes his answer to our requests really is, “No.”
The baby I had conceived through fertility procedures was not meant to be. The doctor told me it just couldn’t form correctly and that something in its development had gone wrong. It wasn’t my fault. Deep down, I thought it was my fault. At the time, I didn’t know God’s plan for my life. I didn’t know that my dear little girl would one day be a huge part of my life and bring me such joy.
I once promised God that if he helped me through the pregnancy and gave me a beautiful baby to love, I would raise that child in the church and teach her all about Jesus. I promised God I would help her to grow and develop knowing God loves her. My little girl is now five years old. Hubby and I have not had any more children, but she completes my life. We are doing our best to raise her as a Christian. We are involved in an amazing church where she feels totally at home. I tell her about Jesus, and she talks to God through prayer.
She brings me more joy and happiness than I ever thought I would experience. Being a mother is the most amazing and most important thing I have done with my life. I thank God every day for our little miracle. She is our miracle in more ways than one, too. But that’s another story.
For anyone who has experienced great loss, whether a miscarriage or death of a loved one, I pray I have given you some hope and encouragement. God has a plan for your life. In time he will reveal that plan to you. Hang on to your faith. God has not abandoned you. He loves you….always and forever. You are special to Him. His love for you is deeper, stronger, and truer than any love you can ever experience on earth. Trust in the Lord always.